Runner Girl

I realized yesterday that my training for the MCM starts in two weeks. Fourteen days. Yikes!

Looking at the training plan all laid out it is hard to believe that I will get to the point of running 10+ miles very consistently. But I remember doing it last year and I did it. It didn't seem so daunting after awhile.

I like running. I do. I like running in the heat. Running provides a lot of time for introspection. I am alone with my thoughts and no agenda. I let them flow in their free form.

Yesterday I was thinking about how far I've come since college - emotionally. Then I thought about how my mindset has been shaped by some of those early relationships. I get deep! I also think about boys and love and yesterday I was also thinking about wedding dresses. Specifically how when I get married I won't wear a poofy princess dress. That's not my style.

My knee hurts today which is unfortunate, but I'm working on strengthening my hips / IT band and stretching more consistently so hopefully that will help. In two and a half weeks I will need to run eight miles. Yesterday I ran 4.6. I'm in good shape. 

Not Ashamed

I didn't talk about my depression & anxiety for a long time. I would bury it & pretend it wasn't there. It seemed like admitting defeat or acknowledging weakness if I talked about it.

Little by little I have become more comfortable talking about it. There are a lot of misconceptions & so many people don't understand it. [Think: all the people who tell me to just "be happy."]

I've had the opportunity recently to talk to two different people who have a loved one struggling with depression. I hope that my being open about my own struggle can, at least in some minor way, help these other people with theirs.

As I sit on the other side of it, trying to put into words what it is to be depressed, I realize that in a way I am grateful that I know what it is like. I am grateful because I can tell people who have no idea, who could not start to understand, how it works. I can tell them that it is hard & you want to help but sometimes that doesn't help. I think people expect there to be a quick fix to everything and depression is definitely not something with a quick fix.

I've learned that & have embraced that it will be a lifelong struggle. Hopefully I will continue to get better at coping & handling it & recognizing when I am starting to be depressed so I can combat it, but as my therapist recently said, the possibility will always be there.

One of the people said that I seem fine now! I was slightly offended at first, as if I didn't seem fine before, but I guess it is not a bad thing that someone sees me and thinks that I am handling it versus being handled.